It's slowly but surely getting better. My life has been an effing soap opera lately, and by lately I mean for the last decade. I've lost control more times than I can count. Part of my wonders if maybe I am just more comfortable rebuilding than I am coasting. That if I'm not focused on fixing something I focused on breaking it. Granted, a lot of my struggles in the past decade were well beyond my control. I didn't cause my parents divorce, give myself cancer, or cause my own stroke. But I did plenty of self damage during that same period. I have fallen for guys that are lost themselves, that have plenty of broken elements in their own life, and maybe I enjoy that because it takes the focus off of my own personal issues. I have generally thrived in havoc. My best grades, my biggest successes, generally game during these periods of disaster. But at some point I have to get past that. I lost a lot of time surviving things, so to expect that my life would stay on the track I envisioned while I grew up is a bit absurd. I think I'm ready though. Ready to forgive myself for the stupid shitty things I have done to people in the past, to acknowledge that some of the people I care about most in this world have done stupid shitty things to me, and that I didn't deserve them. That must be the part I don't totally believe yet. It's the part that makes my heart drop. I probably did deserve them.
Nobody sets out the be the "other woman". I never even justified it being an ok position to be in. I ignored it completely. That doesn't make me a good person, and it doesn't make it ok. But should I really beat myself up for it for the rest of my life? I was wrong to believe someone who I truly thought was my soul mate. I fell too hard, I believed love conquered all, and I thought that in the end everyone would be happier. Because it was so clear to me that what we had was that true, fairy tale love that conquers everything else...and if that's what we had, that's what everyone deserved. But that wasn't my call. And I didn't know the other side. And I caused a lot of pain for people that didn't deserve it. And I am really truly utterly sorry for having done it. I'm apparently the only person that holds myself to this standard. None of my friends or family have labeled me bad. Nobody thinks I deserved to have my heart broken the way it was. So why can't I agree with them?
I need a new foundation, and I'm working on something stable. Not quickly and not well, but at least I'm recognizing what I'm susceptible to fall for. We labled this year the start of the great decade, and nothing worth having ever comes easy, so I guess I'm off...to start building this great life that I truly believe one day I'll deserve. I am sorry. To everyone I have hurt.
