Greatful

I know that's not the way that's spelled, but it makes more sense to me that it should be spelled that way. Since today is Thanksgiving it seems only fitting this post be on the side of appreciating what you've got. I think it's kind of insulting to appreciate what you have because some people have it so much worse. It sort of defeats the purpose. You should appreciate what you have because you have it, not because someone else doesn't.

As I've expressed in other posts, I'm not in the spot I expected to be at this age, but in assessing that I realize there were so many aspects of my life I had no expectations for at all. What sort of kid worries about paying bills, being loved, have a work life balance and feeling fulfilled? Not many. They may have plans for a job, a husband and kids, and if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a loving household the rest of that is pretty much assumed to just come with it. I had a stroke and I had cancer, and I turned out alright. For that I am very grateful, but not because it could have been so much worse, but because I got a glimpse of my mortality without much in the way of lasting effects. I learned a lesson most of you won't learn until you are much much older. I had my heart broken, but I am grateful that I know what it is to truly and deeply love someone, and to know that I can survive without them. My parents got divorced, but I am grateful that I know that living in an unhappy marriage is something I never want to do and that life goes on for everyone no matter how messy it gets.

I think I've been wrong in thinking that I'm lost. I know who I am and I know what I want, I'm not in search of a path, I'm on one and I've just lost the patience to keep going and see where it leads me. So as of today, I am grateful that my path has led me here, in all of its flaws it is truly a fortunate place to be. Here is my Thanksgiving day list, hopefully something I can keep with me when I inevitably hit another rough patch:

I never planned what sort of relationship I would have with my siblings, but today I can say that I am extremely grateful that my brother and my sister are truly my best friends.
I didn't plan for work life balance, but today I am grateful for a job that gives me the flexibility to worry about things beyond paying bills.
Health wasn't something I worried about when I was young, but today I know how fragile it can be, but that I am a person that can handle health concerns without becoming a victim.
I wanted to be married by now, but today I am thankful that I know who I am and can take care of myself without any assistance from someone else.
I didn't worry about how many people would love me, but today I know without a doubt that I am loved by many.

I love my family, my friends, and my life-even the rough patches. My life is truly ful of great.

The path

I have a long rant, so bear with me.

I don't know how I got to this point in my life. It's not a spot you envision getting to, nothing about this is the way I ever saw it going. Nobody pictures cancer at 21, and even when you get there, you don't picture an unrelated stroke at 25. I pictured a perfect marriage at 28 with perfect kids shortly thereafter. No medical history. No retarded drunken regrets. Not the girl that gets dragged along. Over. And Over. And Over. Or the girl that seriously considers being a fuck buddy. Not sure what reason I'd consider that, still trying to figure out what's driving that. But nobody envisions being here.

I can't decide if I'd change any of it though. I mean there are obviously the "I shouldn't have called him", "why did I say that" regrets...but do I seriously wish I'd taken a different path? The reason I question it is that deep down I sort of like what drove it. I am a believer of true love, of fate, of optimism. And knowing that those are the things that drove me, I feel like to change my path would be to change my beliefs. And as naiive as they are I'll take them every day over the alternative. I am the kind of girl that believes that the guy I met and instantly fell in love with (probably overdramatic, it is now and has always been a crush) was maybe meant for me. And when I find out his phone number ends in my birthday, I don't believe that's a random coincidence, I believe it's a sign. It's retarded. Most of you probably think so, and I can't argue that it probably is. But I like that I believe that. I like that I believe when "our song" comes on when I'm questioning our relationship that it's a sign. And I will take believing it, and being heart broken by the reality of it over and over again over believing that everything happens by random chance.

I am heartbroken at the moment. Because I have believed these things to be true. About the love of my life. And about the guy that I had an instant connection with. And they have both failed me. It's the inevitable end with my lifestyle, I will be heartbroken repeatedly until I truly find the one that was actually meant for me. Finding that requires a lot of failure, because it's an exceptionally high standard. I truly believe that exists, and I hope I never change that. The love of my life chose not to believe me and not to stand by me and I am truly heart broken by that reality. Because it doesn't fit my vision. It's not what the love of your life should ever do. In my world of fate and true love that doesn't happen. And the other guy? He wouldn't give me the closure I needed, and I feel like he feels sorry for me. That I believe in this. That I put myself out there and asked for closure and he wouldn't give it to me.

 I've been in this spot before. More times than I meant to, more times than I should have been. I'm not a girl you date. I'm either the girl you fuck or the girl you love. There is no in between. I'm that girl that most girls hate. Not because I get the guys I want, but because the guys they're with want me (but are never with me). That sounds exceptionally cocky, and it's not how I mean it. It's not because I'm hot (I'm not-I'm reasonably attractive, but not the girl you'd be jealous of..ever), in fact I really truly don't know what it is. I'm the girl that your drunk boyfriend will confess to liking, to thinking the world of, to wanting...but that they never end up with. I want to hear one of them end that thought with "but I love my girlfriend". But that's not how it ever ends. It does end with them getting married (and it remains to be seen, but I would predict inevitably divorced). They are left with the life I want and I am left with the reputation. "How dare you tell them you like them when they have a girlfriend". It's never the other way..no "how dare they say the like you back when they have a girlfriend". I want a relationship where a girl they like can tell them how much they love them, can throw themselves at them, and I can trust that they will say "you are a fantastic girl, but I love my girlfriend". Maybe those guys don't exist. But I promise I am not out to steal anyone. I don't want anyone else's guy. I want my own. And I want it the right way. But I don't know what anyone is supposed to do when the guy they have always liked tells them they like them, or kisses them, or asks them out during the 5 hour span that they've broken up with their girlfriend. Am I supposed to say no? Probably.

I have a history of putting everyone above myself. Not in a selfless way, because honestly it's the way I operate naturally, it's how I feel most comfortable. I don't say things that would make me feel better because saying them would hurt someone else. I keep secrets that would benefit me to tell, because they wouldn't help anyone I care about.

I am at a major cross road. To give up on the first person I could ever see myself with for eternity, to give up on my first "love at first sight", and to give up on the guy who came back in my life after being my first real crush ever. I need a new scene. With new people that don't know me, that don't have expectations of me, that haven't already labeled me. What I do not need is more people who "truly care about me" that are selfish enough to keep me open as an option when all I ask is for closure. The question is, if I admit I'm lost enough times will someone come along and help me find my way to a different path? And if not, can I possibly find my way there on my own?

Enough of the rant, if any of you read this and don't hate me I comend you, but again..this writing is my release-to say the thoughts swirling in my head that I can't find a way to get out without a word dump. Hopefully the next time I write will be from a different path (with a similar view of the world).

Please help me to find my way,
know what to do and what to say.
To know which path will lead me where,
And choose the one that gets me there.

I've wandered lost for far too long,
I've chosen plenty of paths that clearly were wrong.
And I keep telling myself that from these decisions I'll learn,
That finding my path is something I'll earn.

But sometimes it's hard to believe this is true,
Sometimes I think maybe the right path is only there for a few,
And what if I'm lost and will never be found?
If my point in this life is to wander around?

So I ask again, please help me to find my road,
So I know there's point to carry my load.
Because the thing I want most at this point in my life,
Is to know that the path that I'm on is right.

At a loss

Here's my problem, if I could live by my logic life would be good, where I struggle is when I logically know what I should do/think, but I can't get myself there. Case and point-I truly believe you have to be able to be happy in you life with the things within your control. You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness, because their course in life is far outside of your control. Sounds great right? So what do you do when you find your happiness depending on someone else? I still fully believe my theory, but believing it isn't enough to change my issue. I have this disconnect on many things, it's like I operate on 2 different never-connecting planes. The way I think and the way I feel are so far separated at this point I'm not sure how to get them back together.

Second life problem that I haven't solved. I have been through a fair amount at my age, and I know they way life is unfair for the worse is always more apparent that the ways life is unfair for the good, but knowing that doesn't change much (see rant above). And through it all I have taken the stance that I can get through it without dragging anyone else down with me. I don't talk about how much I'm struggling, I don't ask for help, and I don't fall into a mode of self-pity. Sounds honorable right? Problem-if you are struggling and nobody ever knows it you're not going to get cut any slack for it. I had a stroke in May, and by any outside account I'm sure you'd hear I am completely back to normal. But things are harder, I can't remember things I should be able to remember, I can't always think through things at work the way I used to be able to, and I make mistakes that look careless, but I promise I'm doing my best. Despite all of this, I can't say to anyone-I made that mistake because of the stroke, because to me that's feeling sorry for myself, and that doesn't get better, if I'm forever dumber as a result of this I don't want to bring attention to it at work. How do you strike the right balance between handling your hardships on your own and letting people know that you're still working on getting stable footing? I feel like there are a lot of people that get cut slack for far less things than what I've been through, but it's not me to let anyone know I need that slack.


Clearly not my best of months, to say I'm lost right now is an understatement, I know a year from now I will look back at this writing and have no concept of the mindset I'm currently in. Things always change, and we can't ever predict how/when/why, but when you're sitting at the bottom looking up it's near impossible to imagine how you ever get there.

Relationships

I really liked the part of Eat, Pray, Love where she talked about how despite the disaster and the many other far worse things a person can be dealing with, give them relationship troubles and that's what they'll dwell on. Without getting into the details (half because I don't like them and half because they're unnecessary for the purpose of emptying my head), I think I actually found the one, and was given up. Now I could argue that "the one" would never give you up, but the reason is in the details so I'll leave it at that. Why I think he's the one? Because I don't think of him in the terms of any normal relationship. When he came into my life I wasn't afraid of losing him, he just fit like he always was and always would be in my life. I always thought that true love was when you both felt lucky to have eachother. But I can't even think in those terms. It's more similar to the way I see my family. Yes I am truly lucky to have them, but it's not like I look at them and think "could I do better", that thought seems as absurd applied to my family as it does to my one. So my problem is, how do you move past that? I'm trying, we're currently on radio silence, but I don't feel like I'm less attached as much as less informed. Now it's only been a week, so I know with time the attachment will fade, but it's such a challenge to picture that changing. Give it a year I suppose, I always find it funny to look back a year and think of how much has changed. I'm rarely worried about the same things or feel the same frustrations, yet looking a year forward I can't picture anything being different.

In other news, the news I should be concerned about, I have heart surgery Wed. (not open heart, minimally invasive heart). I'll take all the positive thoughts I can get, even if this is just being thrown out to get the words out of my head :)

An introduction

Sometimes I'm convinced I have some sort of disorder. I definitely can be a tad bit obsessive, but when I have something on my mind it's as if the words are physically taking up too much space in my brain and the only way to relieve some of the pressure is to say them or write them to get them out of my head. I guess this is my attempt to relieve my family from having to hear every theory I come up with. I have had my share of hardships at my age, though I'm fully aware I have it much much better than many.

I guess to start (because this will be the basis of most of my theories in life) I think the entire point of life is to be happy. It is the single thing you have any control over in life. I don't mean that you should do whatever will instantly gratify you, but whichever decision will ultimately lead to a happier life is the one I would personally go with. This goes along with another theory of mine. When I have a tough decision to make, I try to determine which decision could I possible regret more. For example-on a very simple level, wearing a seat belt. I will never regret wearing one, but if I survived the worst case of not I would obviously regret that more. This has helped me with a lot of decisions, at the very least it helps me to figure out which 2 worst case scenarios I'm facing. These are the two theories that nearly everything else I come up with is based on.

I'm currently a bit lost in life (as evidenced by needing this outlet). I recently got out of a long term relationship, I've got major medical issues to contend with (I had a stroke last year), and I'm trying to figure out where exactly I'd like my life to go. It's definitely a bit of a beginning life crisis, and I'm hoping that if I spill enough on here eventually I'll stumble across that one thought that will help me figure myself out. More to come...