At a loss

Here's my problem, if I could live by my logic life would be good, where I struggle is when I logically know what I should do/think, but I can't get myself there. Case and point-I truly believe you have to be able to be happy in you life with the things within your control. You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness, because their course in life is far outside of your control. Sounds great right? So what do you do when you find your happiness depending on someone else? I still fully believe my theory, but believing it isn't enough to change my issue. I have this disconnect on many things, it's like I operate on 2 different never-connecting planes. The way I think and the way I feel are so far separated at this point I'm not sure how to get them back together.

Second life problem that I haven't solved. I have been through a fair amount at my age, and I know they way life is unfair for the worse is always more apparent that the ways life is unfair for the good, but knowing that doesn't change much (see rant above). And through it all I have taken the stance that I can get through it without dragging anyone else down with me. I don't talk about how much I'm struggling, I don't ask for help, and I don't fall into a mode of self-pity. Sounds honorable right? Problem-if you are struggling and nobody ever knows it you're not going to get cut any slack for it. I had a stroke in May, and by any outside account I'm sure you'd hear I am completely back to normal. But things are harder, I can't remember things I should be able to remember, I can't always think through things at work the way I used to be able to, and I make mistakes that look careless, but I promise I'm doing my best. Despite all of this, I can't say to anyone-I made that mistake because of the stroke, because to me that's feeling sorry for myself, and that doesn't get better, if I'm forever dumber as a result of this I don't want to bring attention to it at work. How do you strike the right balance between handling your hardships on your own and letting people know that you're still working on getting stable footing? I feel like there are a lot of people that get cut slack for far less things than what I've been through, but it's not me to let anyone know I need that slack.


Clearly not my best of months, to say I'm lost right now is an understatement, I know a year from now I will look back at this writing and have no concept of the mindset I'm currently in. Things always change, and we can't ever predict how/when/why, but when you're sitting at the bottom looking up it's near impossible to imagine how you ever get there.

Relationships

I really liked the part of Eat, Pray, Love where she talked about how despite the disaster and the many other far worse things a person can be dealing with, give them relationship troubles and that's what they'll dwell on. Without getting into the details (half because I don't like them and half because they're unnecessary for the purpose of emptying my head), I think I actually found the one, and was given up. Now I could argue that "the one" would never give you up, but the reason is in the details so I'll leave it at that. Why I think he's the one? Because I don't think of him in the terms of any normal relationship. When he came into my life I wasn't afraid of losing him, he just fit like he always was and always would be in my life. I always thought that true love was when you both felt lucky to have eachother. But I can't even think in those terms. It's more similar to the way I see my family. Yes I am truly lucky to have them, but it's not like I look at them and think "could I do better", that thought seems as absurd applied to my family as it does to my one. So my problem is, how do you move past that? I'm trying, we're currently on radio silence, but I don't feel like I'm less attached as much as less informed. Now it's only been a week, so I know with time the attachment will fade, but it's such a challenge to picture that changing. Give it a year I suppose, I always find it funny to look back a year and think of how much has changed. I'm rarely worried about the same things or feel the same frustrations, yet looking a year forward I can't picture anything being different.

In other news, the news I should be concerned about, I have heart surgery Wed. (not open heart, minimally invasive heart). I'll take all the positive thoughts I can get, even if this is just being thrown out to get the words out of my head :)

An introduction

Sometimes I'm convinced I have some sort of disorder. I definitely can be a tad bit obsessive, but when I have something on my mind it's as if the words are physically taking up too much space in my brain and the only way to relieve some of the pressure is to say them or write them to get them out of my head. I guess this is my attempt to relieve my family from having to hear every theory I come up with. I have had my share of hardships at my age, though I'm fully aware I have it much much better than many.

I guess to start (because this will be the basis of most of my theories in life) I think the entire point of life is to be happy. It is the single thing you have any control over in life. I don't mean that you should do whatever will instantly gratify you, but whichever decision will ultimately lead to a happier life is the one I would personally go with. This goes along with another theory of mine. When I have a tough decision to make, I try to determine which decision could I possible regret more. For example-on a very simple level, wearing a seat belt. I will never regret wearing one, but if I survived the worst case of not I would obviously regret that more. This has helped me with a lot of decisions, at the very least it helps me to figure out which 2 worst case scenarios I'm facing. These are the two theories that nearly everything else I come up with is based on.

I'm currently a bit lost in life (as evidenced by needing this outlet). I recently got out of a long term relationship, I've got major medical issues to contend with (I had a stroke last year), and I'm trying to figure out where exactly I'd like my life to go. It's definitely a bit of a beginning life crisis, and I'm hoping that if I spill enough on here eventually I'll stumble across that one thought that will help me figure myself out. More to come...