The path

I have a long rant, so bear with me.

I don't know how I got to this point in my life. It's not a spot you envision getting to, nothing about this is the way I ever saw it going. Nobody pictures cancer at 21, and even when you get there, you don't picture an unrelated stroke at 25. I pictured a perfect marriage at 28 with perfect kids shortly thereafter. No medical history. No retarded drunken regrets. Not the girl that gets dragged along. Over. And Over. And Over. Or the girl that seriously considers being a fuck buddy. Not sure what reason I'd consider that, still trying to figure out what's driving that. But nobody envisions being here.

I can't decide if I'd change any of it though. I mean there are obviously the "I shouldn't have called him", "why did I say that" regrets...but do I seriously wish I'd taken a different path? The reason I question it is that deep down I sort of like what drove it. I am a believer of true love, of fate, of optimism. And knowing that those are the things that drove me, I feel like to change my path would be to change my beliefs. And as naiive as they are I'll take them every day over the alternative. I am the kind of girl that believes that the guy I met and instantly fell in love with (probably overdramatic, it is now and has always been a crush) was maybe meant for me. And when I find out his phone number ends in my birthday, I don't believe that's a random coincidence, I believe it's a sign. It's retarded. Most of you probably think so, and I can't argue that it probably is. But I like that I believe that. I like that I believe when "our song" comes on when I'm questioning our relationship that it's a sign. And I will take believing it, and being heart broken by the reality of it over and over again over believing that everything happens by random chance.

I am heartbroken at the moment. Because I have believed these things to be true. About the love of my life. And about the guy that I had an instant connection with. And they have both failed me. It's the inevitable end with my lifestyle, I will be heartbroken repeatedly until I truly find the one that was actually meant for me. Finding that requires a lot of failure, because it's an exceptionally high standard. I truly believe that exists, and I hope I never change that. The love of my life chose not to believe me and not to stand by me and I am truly heart broken by that reality. Because it doesn't fit my vision. It's not what the love of your life should ever do. In my world of fate and true love that doesn't happen. And the other guy? He wouldn't give me the closure I needed, and I feel like he feels sorry for me. That I believe in this. That I put myself out there and asked for closure and he wouldn't give it to me.

 I've been in this spot before. More times than I meant to, more times than I should have been. I'm not a girl you date. I'm either the girl you fuck or the girl you love. There is no in between. I'm that girl that most girls hate. Not because I get the guys I want, but because the guys they're with want me (but are never with me). That sounds exceptionally cocky, and it's not how I mean it. It's not because I'm hot (I'm not-I'm reasonably attractive, but not the girl you'd be jealous of..ever), in fact I really truly don't know what it is. I'm the girl that your drunk boyfriend will confess to liking, to thinking the world of, to wanting...but that they never end up with. I want to hear one of them end that thought with "but I love my girlfriend". But that's not how it ever ends. It does end with them getting married (and it remains to be seen, but I would predict inevitably divorced). They are left with the life I want and I am left with the reputation. "How dare you tell them you like them when they have a girlfriend". It's never the other way..no "how dare they say the like you back when they have a girlfriend". I want a relationship where a girl they like can tell them how much they love them, can throw themselves at them, and I can trust that they will say "you are a fantastic girl, but I love my girlfriend". Maybe those guys don't exist. But I promise I am not out to steal anyone. I don't want anyone else's guy. I want my own. And I want it the right way. But I don't know what anyone is supposed to do when the guy they have always liked tells them they like them, or kisses them, or asks them out during the 5 hour span that they've broken up with their girlfriend. Am I supposed to say no? Probably.

I have a history of putting everyone above myself. Not in a selfless way, because honestly it's the way I operate naturally, it's how I feel most comfortable. I don't say things that would make me feel better because saying them would hurt someone else. I keep secrets that would benefit me to tell, because they wouldn't help anyone I care about.

I am at a major cross road. To give up on the first person I could ever see myself with for eternity, to give up on my first "love at first sight", and to give up on the guy who came back in my life after being my first real crush ever. I need a new scene. With new people that don't know me, that don't have expectations of me, that haven't already labeled me. What I do not need is more people who "truly care about me" that are selfish enough to keep me open as an option when all I ask is for closure. The question is, if I admit I'm lost enough times will someone come along and help me find my way to a different path? And if not, can I possibly find my way there on my own?

Enough of the rant, if any of you read this and don't hate me I comend you, but again..this writing is my release-to say the thoughts swirling in my head that I can't find a way to get out without a word dump. Hopefully the next time I write will be from a different path (with a similar view of the world).