The right guy

I have been through a fair amount in the last 6 years. Having my heart broken was by far the worst. I even hate typing that, because on the unbroken side of my life that thought would have made me roll my eyes. I had cancer and I had a stroke, and neither one was even fractionally as difficult as this particular challenge has been.

My Dad told me when I was younger that there were 2 types of wrong relationships to watch out for-the wrong guy at the right time and the right guy at the wrong time. The right time guy can be far more damaging in the sense that I think this is the one many people marry, but the right guy at the wrong time is excruciating. I hope that I look back on this in a few months and realize that I'm wrong, that this was not the love of my life that I'm still mostly convinced that he was, but even though I'm doing the right things (i.e. not talking to him, staying busy, dating, etc.) it sits in the back of my mind and when I'm weak or tired it's all consuming. I wrote this at one of those moments:

Sometimes I forget to forget you. When I’m really tired, and I’m stripped of my guards and my logic and my memory of the reasons why we can’t and don’t work, I forget the reasons we can’t be together. I know when I’m stripped of these things, because the first and biggest urge I have is to see you and talk to you and be with you. I think it’s when I’m functioning on a purely cellular level, because we were more than a physical match, and more than an emotional match. I feel like you were literally a part of every cell of my body, and they never knew they were missing anything, until you were here and then gone. And when I lose my ability to think beyond a very basic cellular level I remember that there is another part of me, that there is nothing I can do to bring back. It doesn’t make sense that this was an instant connection, because I don’t miss something that was new to me, I miss something that I feel like has always belonged to me. I’m not sure you are my soul mate, but definitely my cell mate. Because somehow the very essence of me belongs with the very essence of you. I don’t think the relationship would matter, you could be my mom, my sister, my best friend, but in this life you were my boyfriend and as much as I try to move on, and succeed when I have the strength to remember all the reasons you’re not, I fail when I am weak. I hate that. But it’s beyond me. It’s not love, it’s not lust, it’s not even like, it is purely a function of losing the cells that could have just as well been a part of me as they are a part of you. And when I’m tired I forget to forget that.

Everything in my life has gotten better with time, and I believe deep down that eventually I'll move on, but it's so hard to imagine a time when I'll feel any different.