At a loss

Here's my problem, if I could live by my logic life would be good, where I struggle is when I logically know what I should do/think, but I can't get myself there. Case and point-I truly believe you have to be able to be happy in you life with the things within your control. You can't depend on anyone else for your happiness, because their course in life is far outside of your control. Sounds great right? So what do you do when you find your happiness depending on someone else? I still fully believe my theory, but believing it isn't enough to change my issue. I have this disconnect on many things, it's like I operate on 2 different never-connecting planes. The way I think and the way I feel are so far separated at this point I'm not sure how to get them back together.

Second life problem that I haven't solved. I have been through a fair amount at my age, and I know they way life is unfair for the worse is always more apparent that the ways life is unfair for the good, but knowing that doesn't change much (see rant above). And through it all I have taken the stance that I can get through it without dragging anyone else down with me. I don't talk about how much I'm struggling, I don't ask for help, and I don't fall into a mode of self-pity. Sounds honorable right? Problem-if you are struggling and nobody ever knows it you're not going to get cut any slack for it. I had a stroke in May, and by any outside account I'm sure you'd hear I am completely back to normal. But things are harder, I can't remember things I should be able to remember, I can't always think through things at work the way I used to be able to, and I make mistakes that look careless, but I promise I'm doing my best. Despite all of this, I can't say to anyone-I made that mistake because of the stroke, because to me that's feeling sorry for myself, and that doesn't get better, if I'm forever dumber as a result of this I don't want to bring attention to it at work. How do you strike the right balance between handling your hardships on your own and letting people know that you're still working on getting stable footing? I feel like there are a lot of people that get cut slack for far less things than what I've been through, but it's not me to let anyone know I need that slack.


Clearly not my best of months, to say I'm lost right now is an understatement, I know a year from now I will look back at this writing and have no concept of the mindset I'm currently in. Things always change, and we can't ever predict how/when/why, but when you're sitting at the bottom looking up it's near impossible to imagine how you ever get there.